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Thank god thats over

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Monday, 03 September 2007

What doesn't kill you only makes you stronger

Future kayak fishing superstar!

I really wasn't looking forward to fathers day one little bit, because as much as I wanted to I couldn't spend time with my son. Even if I was near to him the chances are that the ex wouldn't have let me see him anyway. The last time I did see him I fed him a small piece of bacon (about the size of a 5 cent piece) and being a rabid vegetarian, that was reason enough for her to keep him away from me (I'm not kidding). She wouldn't even let me say goodbye to him when I left. It gives you an idea of what I'm up against.

So for the past week or so fathers day had been on my mind, and not in a happy way. The negative feelings continued to grow and despite trying to distract myself as best I can, it all pretty much spilled out yesterday. I ended up doing what most people would do in my position, which was to drink. That was pretty stupid really, because I only have one kidney. And by the end of the day that poor little kidney was aching so much that I wasn't able to sleep until about 5AM when exhaustion finally took hold.

So in typical Tyler Durden fashion, I only managed one hour of sleep. And oh my god did I manage to fit in some crazy dreams in that hour. One was a nightmare that actually woke me up in fright. The other was a dream that somehow did a whole lot of healing and as a result I woke up feeling surprisingly good, and totally resolute to carry on with more strength than I have been. In that dream I took my son (Fynn) out kayak fishing. As we launched into the ocean my ex was trying to stop us, holding onto the end of the yak in an attempt to prevent us from spending time alone together. She wasn't strong enough to fight the power of the Hobie mirage drive and much to the delight and giggles of Fynn, we managed to break away. And from there we had the best time playing around in the kayak, catching fish and doing some scuba diving.

When I woke up it felt like it did actually happen and in a very strange way, I had the fathers day that I really wanted. And it made me realise that no matter what, I had to survive long enough to return and have that experience for real (without the ex holding onto the yak, that is). The best way for me to do that is to stop dwelling on the past and to start looking forward. I'm not going to drink anymore and I'm also going to get serious about giving up the fags (something I've battled with for years). I think a really great way to help me achieve that is to get out fishing as much as I can.

The downtime caused by the torrential rains here on the sunshine coast has held me back for the past week and I think that's given me a bit too much time to think about recent history. I suppose that's probably why I managed to attract the negative circumstances that have occurred in the last few days. Whenever I'm kayak fishing, however, I am always living in the moment. Thats how it's meant to be. Amen.