Yakabout - The consumate Retrosexual

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The consumate Retrosexual

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Monday, 01 October 2007

Greg Fenech: My kind of guy

While staying at the Burrum Heads Beachfront tourist park I met quite a few interesting people and found myself engaged in a whole lot of intreguing conversations. On one particular day I had two distinctly different conversations with other guests that made for an interesting juxtoposition. One of them was with a national parks ranger, who was really quite a nice guy and offered a lot of useful information about fish and turtle species as well as protected green zones that I should avoid fishing in. The other was with another Victorian (like myself) and this guy was a keen outdoorsman. Greg Fenech isn't the kind of bloke who buys his meat from supermarket shelves. Whenever possible, he goes out and gets it himself, be it with a rod, rifle , knife or bow. Like almost all hunters and fishermen, he is dead-set against the concept of protected parks, marine or otherwise.

Greg wasn't talking purely from heated passion either - he had just recently returned from a trip to Canada, where their environmental management practices are competely different to our own. Unlike the growing trend in Australia of simply locking down areas in a willy-nilly fashion, the Canadians have a different approach: proper management that is handled in such a way that peeople can still use all areas of land. Instead of just establishing laws that prevent you from doing certain things in certain areas (such as hunting, fishing, etc) strict guidelines are introduced to govern how you can do such things. Guidelines such as bag limits, size limits, protected species, etc. To me that makes a lot more sense than locking down areas that were previously available for all to explore. Greg has written an article on the experience that is due to be published in a print magazine later this year. I'll get the details of this and mention it when it becomes available to read.

Scerenity

During the conversation Greg drew my attention to the concept of the 'Retrosexual' (the complete opposite to the 'Metrosexual'), which appears to be the brainchild of an American hunter. He was kind enough to email me the original transcript, which I've copied and pasted below. As Greg mentioned, it's a little tongue in cheek and is pretty funny. It does, however, contain a few simple truths as well and if you've got a moment, it's worth reading. He also sent me this little snapshot, which I'm pretty sure was taken on a kayak fishing trip while holidaying at Burrum Heads.

Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your butt, belch, and yell 'ENOUGH!' I hereby announce the start of a new offensive in the culture wars, the Retrosexual movement.

The Code:

A Retrosexual, no matter what the women insists, PAYS FOR THE DATE.

A Retrosexual opens doors for a lady. Even for the ones that fit that term only because they are female.

A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire, break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you DEAL WITH IT.

A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills it himself.

A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90. It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90 years old and still smoking cigars and drinking, I salute you.

A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods).

A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic when he's 30 years old.

A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff (or people) if need be. This falls under the 'Dealing with IT' portion of The Code.

A Retrosexual watches no TV show with 'Queer' in the title.

A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in his house on national TV.

A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of manliness for women.

Some is inevitable, but major reinvention of yourself will only lead to you becoming a frou-frou little puss, and in the long run, she ain't worth it.

A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction, death of your entire family in a freak tree, chipper accident, favorite sports team being moved to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc. You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with you.

A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when wearing a tie - and ONLY a Windsor knot.

A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he can brag about getting.

A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools. If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole, practice in secret until you can - or be rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's just plain fun to shoot.

Crying. There are very few reasons that a Retrosexual may cry, and none of them have to do with TV commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred method of release is swearing or throwing the remote control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one, death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this case), loss of a major body part.

A Retrosexual man's favorite movie isn't 'Maid in Manhattan' (unless that refers to some foxy French maid sitting in a huge tub of brandy or whiskey), or 'Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.' Acceptable ones may include any of the Dirty Harry or Nameless Drifter movies (Clint in his better days), Rambo I or II, the Dirty Dozen, The Godfather trilogy, Scarface, The Road Warrior, The Die Hard series, Caddyshack, Rocky I, II, or III, Full Metal Jacket, any James Bond Movie, Raging Bull, Bullitt, any Bruce Lee movie, Apocalypse Now, Goodfellas, Reservoir Dogs, Fight Club, etc.etc.

When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a commuter train, and a pregnant woman, hell, any woman gets on, that Retrosexual stands up and offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at the other so-called men still in their seats with a disgusted 'you punks' look on his face.

A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly, and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner.

A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife and mother do not understand, but that are essential to his manliness, in that they offset the acceptable manliness decline he suffers when married/engaged in a serious healthy relationship - i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting, cigars, car maintenance.

A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and kitchen utensils.

A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard) without sliding all over or driving under 20 mph, without anxiety, and without high-centering his ride on a plow berm.

A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he damn well wanted it to land.

A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not only any women but any elderly person or person in military dress (except officers above 2nd Lt) NOTE: The person in military dress may turn down the offer but the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them and thank them for serving their country.

A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his word even if circumstances change or the other person deceived him.

A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue someone when he does something stupid and hurts himself. We understand that sometimes in the process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL WITH IT.